Please

Ola Hadi, September 25, 2009

Please,

I.

I begged you
to take an hour
and go down the street
instead of to a war zone to escape
your inner battle
for me
for you
for your worried mother
to see someone who can help you
see you though this low valley
that’s got you going in unpredictable
directions, self medicating,
and aiming cut-throat questions of what is it
that makes you feel

nothing

II.

it begged the question
don’t you miss
holding hands at the cafe
reading together and feeling together
on the same page?
don’t you wish
we could take a walk through Balboa Park
and stop at the Rueben H. Fleet
watch an IMAX movie in light-hearted dark
giggle at the scope
of the universe
and surround our senses
with powerful stimulants
pleasurable perspective?

I want to take you biking,
hiking and apple pie slicing
rock climbing
traveling through Europe
all throughout our lives

I want to see what you look like
at pivotal moments
at your peak and self-satisfied
at your best
and at your worst
but to be honest,
I just want to see you
mostly smiling

dearest friend
he who iced my mosquito bites
he who helped me move
and gifted me with a blue helmet
and the food of the gods
lent me his motorcycle gloves and
drove down in the rain
to spend time with me
only to wake up a few hours later
never complaining
he who took espanol in the summer
and danced with me during our breaks
won’t you do this one last thing

won’t you please-
for you?
for me?

don’t you miss
harmonizing our energies?
even outside of mind-blowing passionate-ness
the “God you look amazing”-ness
the “we are the perfect match”
and all the other comments
where you attested to
what the real he who is you knows-
who once told me boldly- that we
are the best for
each other

even if we refrain
from acknowledging the deep waters
of feeling
of sensation
of physical fulfilment
special to you and me

even if we tried to explain
it in the drab clothes of cognition
and of pure platonic friendship
you and I would still add up to
a powerful aggregate
a syncretic song
that he who wishes to sing
will always find
if he’s listening
would fill
the half-empty cups
we’ll come across

III.

I begged you

don’t you miss…
(me?)

won’t you please
take an hour
and go down the street
to see someone
who can help you
see?

and awaited your response
a silence
so deafening
the clock did not exist

till you dis-miss-ed
(me!)
“I miss rivers.”

IV.

I don’t blame you for missing rivers
they are a part of who you are
and you are beautiful, peaceful at times,
turbulent at others, on a journey
it reminds me of the story of the Buddha
and the ferryman

I don’t want you to change every part
of you in some self-destructive toss
of the baby with the bathwater
just mature
just accept the river that you are
and see the beauty in your own heart

put one foot in front of the other
and walk down the street
and take an hour
to see someone who can help you
see

put yourself in my shoes
to understand what your words do
yes, if the shoe was on the other foot
and you asked me
so sincerely, with so much love,

and I answered with
“I miss the beach.”

Who’d miss the point?

V.

My point is
that you can’t even see
your face in my shiniest shoes
you completely ignore
what I’m saying to you.

maybe you are not ready
to hear
so you choose instead
to miss rivers

there is a deep body of feeling
between us
you are just trying to keep your
head above water
need some air
but I like it here
I would also like it by the river
because I like
the water everywhere
it feels good
once you decide to swim
you won’t feel like you’re drowning
there’s some lesson here
if you listen

I don’t need to be homeless in Venice beach
to get it
I don’t need any more trials and tribulations
to relate to ordinary people
but I once did
I understand your struggle

as Siddhartha said
many people have to change
a great deal
and wear all sorts of clothes

maybe, you are one of those
my friend?

it is your life, it is your body of water,
it is your body on earth, I am just some body
who loves you

who wants to see you
mostly smiling

who sees that the change
is already in you
you are not imperfect
or evolving along a path
to perfection
you are already perfect

the river laughs
there exists already
a very great happiness
but perhaps you must
prepare your soul
to hear
to see your face in the river
to have the river
be your teacher

I will sit by the bank of the deep water
and wait for you.

©ola hadi 2010